My surgery date has been moved up by almost 2 months. I had the option to take it so I did. I'm both excited and anxious. This is my skin. This is bigger than any tattoo or piercing. This is the second step into becoming who I know I am inside and who I want to be on the outside. It's been an up and down journey so far, mostly ups. When I came out three years ago today about being transgender to my nan before she died it was something that scared me, but I know I needed to do it. I think that if she hadn't gotten sick, I'd be farther along in my journey than I am, but I'm glad that I'm not. I've met some of the most amazing people who are my support system now and who have been there for me when I needed them the most.
A year ago when I came out to my boss and co-workers, I was terrified that I wouldn't be accepted, that I would be viewed as some sort of freak, something-not someone-who didn't belong there. I was met with a warm welcomed response from management and best of all, my co-workers. These people that I spend hours with almost every day of the week have become very close to me. We all talk, share personal things with one another and help each other out both on and off the clock. It's a great sort of community. During this time, new management took over and I was worried that it wouldn't have been
Now that my surgery is looming, I'm not having doubts, I'm just anxious. I'm anxious I won't wake up after surgery. I'm not worried about scars or pain. Hell, I'm not really that worried about getting an infection. I'm worried that I will die and I will be humiliated; that if I die, people will make fun of me. That's always been my greatest fear. Now that I'm not suicidal anymore and my depression is well managed, I'm not wanting to die. I need to get all my ducks in a row before I head to the hospital. I've been reading so much about the procedure, what it will be like after it and pretty mch everything I can get my hands on, both for transgender and cancer patients.
It's important to be well-read before you make any sort of life-changing decision and this is one for me. I'm picturing my life and how much more fulfilled I will be once I get rid of these things hanging off my chest. It should help not only with my discomfort but also with my dysmorphia. I will be one step closer to being a whole person. I mean, not that I'm not a whole person at the moment, I'll just be more complete. I don't quite know how to put it into words.
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