Enchanted

I made it through another work week. It's all pretty much a blur to me. I can't remember much of what I did. I was just starting to feel better too. I was doing well at work; filling orders with little issues, working well with most of my co-workers, bringing in homemade treats, keeping everything organised. I've outlined things for books. I've made home improvements. I bought a fucking microwave! It really felt like I was getting my life together. I thought that I was on the path to being less of a fuck up. I was wrong. I can't hold my focus for long and my thoughts are becoming muddled. I feel myself becoming less productive in ways both personal and professional. 

In many ways, it feels like I'm trying so hard for no reason at all. Really, what's the fucking point to all this? The thoughts that everything around me is just a giant distraction until I die is beginning to consume my head once again. I'm making it through the majority of the day without the thoughts of wanting to curl into bed and lay there like a lump, so that's a slight improvement on that front. I'm making better choices when it comes to health. In the 3 months that I've gone back to vegetarianism and veganism, I feel better. I'm eating better things, even when it's a pain in the ass to cook when I feel my mood dipping or I'm exhausted from long days. Having a healthier diet, eating no meat or animal products and a larger variety of vegetables, fruits and new things is definitely helping me. I feel a change in me. Maybe I'm getting more vitamins and minerals that I was lacking in my older diet. I think it's working for me. I'm enjoying experimenting with new foods and flavours for the first time. It feels like it's a safe thing to do. 

I feel like I'm growing in new ways and it's more than just the idea that 2019 being my year. That entire notion is bullshit; this is more of me feeling like maybe I'm coming into my own. I left toxic relationships in the last year, I'm making new friends, I'm being productive in so many new areas. I stopped and actually took time for myself. It wasn't me just running away from people, things I didn't want or know how to face. This time it was me taking some time to step back and realise what I really want out of existence. I'm sitting and trying to work things out, rather than just dive in half-cocked like I had in the past. I'm trying to not let the racing thoughts direct me too much. 

I even am finding my love for Puffnstuff changing. It's become less of a distraction, a shelter and more of natural comfort. I'm not trying to lose myself inside the feelings that I have for him. I'm craving his company, not out of desperation but because he makes me feel better. He makes me feel more complete as a person. He's a level of safety that I've needed for so long, but have been too hard headed to admit I needed. He's an inspiration, a protector, a partner and a friend. And even with all his bullshit, I wouldn't want to change his annoying little quirks because those are parts of the person I fell in love with. He's just something I really need in my life, and not in the ways of a distraction like I've used him in the past.

The past month I've explored more about my feelings, attractions and relationships. it's really been a mental journey. I should know better than listen to my attractions to people and I'm glad I've finally learned this. Sure, I learned it a bit late, but it's better than not learning it at all. Last month was a complete roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and feelings. I let them get in the way of me working on myself, my mental health and my dedication to Puffs. He let his own thoughts, feelings and emotions get in the way too. We were blinded by flashes of temporary comfort in the wake of one another being miles away. We let the shine of having someone there to comfort us in our deepest and darkest moments lure us away from what we wanted. There was no physical cheating or betrayal, but there was the temptation of wanting to be loved or just touched by someone who was there. The separation is crushing us. We hate it, we don't like being apart. There's something we've forged that will never decay. He's more than my partner, he's my best friend. I can't wait until I'm able to go home to him. Although part of me wonders if all this will only lead to my heart shattering once again. We'll have to wait and see; I think he's worth the risk.

I wonder how long I'll be able to keep up feeling okay, like before the deepest depression hits. Maybe this new level of maturity will help me in maintaining an even level mood and keeping negative thoughts under wraps. I'm not even sure what I'm doing anymore, just kind of going with things and waiting to see what happens. Maybe that's not the best approach, but it's my current one, I'm working on trying not to overthink or be over analytical.