Livin on a Thin Line Pt 4

Sometimes when I'm at work and I'm left alone in the silence, I wonder if this is all there is. It almost seems like a lifetime of nothingness-maybe static, but that's about it. In these moments, I'm left to wonder how do I feel the void? I wonder what it is I'm doing with my life and is there more than what I've seen? I feel the same emptiness when I head home for the night. I lay against the pillow at night, tossing and turning at the prospects of having to go through another day. I don't want to get up. I'm always tired. I feel this deep fatigue within me that I'm unsable to shake. I'd rather sleep than do laundry. I'd rather sleep than go to work. I'd actually rather sleep than do anything. I'm drained of energy and passion for everything around me. Its hard to concentrate, hold my focus and to some degree, even care when all I can think of is mortality and morality. I look at basket of laundry that's overflowing-I've been saying I'll take care of this the past two weeks. Tomorrow. But tomorrow never seems to come. The stack of papers on my desk, I need to go through and finalise designs-some of them are at least a month and half old. I've not touched them since I left for London. I have cups and dishes stacked up in various spots in my room. I don't want to be this way. I just can't get up. Physically I feel drained, like it's hard to move. I feel a deep sense of mental iscolation from those around me. There's no communication-no real intellectual or emotional engagement. Most of the people around me can't articulate their thoughts other than simple needs, desires and general likes. I feel no connection to anyone; like I'm a ship lost on the open sea. It's almost as if there is a plexiglass wall inbetween me and those around me keeping me from a proper interaction with them. I can't help but wonder if I'm the only person that feels this way. I'm sure there are millions of people who can relate to these feelings, but a part of me can't help but think they will forever remain faceless. I've been writing this blog for nearly 10 years now and it still feels like 90% of the time it is faceless, empty interaction. I've always loved that part of it, but now I can't help but wish there was something more to it. How can I make it into something more? More importantly, will this be something that feels good? Will I be able to keep the control that I need over it as it grows larger, stretching across the globe in nooks and crevices? An almost dull, aching anger burns within me. I always have to remain the one shovelling all the shit. I feel taken advantage of, used and made to feel worthless on a daily basis ever since childhood. I've always been the friend to be there, voluneteer and sacrifice for friends. I've put my comfort and even health before others, ony to never have this reciprocated. As a child I was taught that what you put out into the world comes back to you and that you should treat others how you want to be treated. For 31 years it hasn't worked. It's bullshit, empty concept. Nothing more than a vague social construct forcing the idea that humans have to be nice to one another to attain good things and kind treatment. Some people will be kind and helpful regardless of who you are and some people will be cunts time and time again, yet come out ahead in every race. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going to do whatever I want and fuck everyone else. There will be exceptions of course, but for the most part you are alone in this world. Maybe this is the chickens coming home to roost. The disconnect I feel, not just from everyone, but from myself has left me with a chronic sick feeling in the back of my mouth. Pieces of myself are scattered across the globe, in boxes, in bags and in bins across the globe. Here, I can't help but feel suffocated by those around me-their selfisness and impuslisiveness, theft from me in both my belongings and money and the way I am looked down upon for my sexuality and gender experession. While I don't believe that sexuality and gender, both in their overlapping characterstics and in their differences, need to be injected into every aspect of one's life, I believe that the ability to express them is integral to mental health. I feel like I can't be myself anywhere. I've been working on blogs and sketches over the past month, yet have nothing to show for it. I can't hold the concentration for long enough to really accomplish anything. I keep saying 'I'll work on it tomorrow' and tomorrow comes and all I want to do is get high and sleep. It's taken me over a month to write this blog; I have all the UK travel ones to do too. I have no energy, no motivation. It all feels like a worthless endevor. I have a two drawings. That's it. Two. I spent hours attempting to draw, attempting to put the pencil to the paper. it feels like time is moving forawrd faster than I ever believed it would be. I want to press the pause button so that I could sleep and still have the time that I need to finish all that I have to do. I need to do something. I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now and see that I’m still in the same place. I don’t want to wake up and face the realisation that I’ve done nothing with my life. I can’t sit back idol while people and places pass me by. I look back now at the past 10 years of my life, my 20’s and can’t help but think almost all of that time was misspent. I don’t regret my travels and trials, they have helped to shape my world views, taught me hard truths about life and have given me many experiences most can only dream of; And yet, I can’t help but feel…unfulfilled. That there is so much more that I could have done-could be doing. Maybe it’s just the familiar depression once again invading my cells, hijacking the human part of me. I can honstly say that I haven't done enough.