Seven Sermons to the Dead Part One: The Introduction

Ever since I turned 30, I've had this strange feeling that I'm going to die. That my time in this physical plane-in this body-is almost up. I believe in reincarnation. I didn't used to, until I saw it. In this next seven part series, I'd like to share with you guys my walks through the shadows od the valley of death. You'll get to read my recollections and thoughts about these seven visions I'm about to share with you. I don't know how long it will take to write all these out. Its the middle of the night. The moon is fat and full over a late spring night. The air is heavy with moisture, but the breeze is nice. I lay naked, as usual beneath the stars, feeling their eyes on me as I gaze up and out of the window at them. I've seen the stars all over the world. DIfferent consetallations, whispering to me new stories of adventuries and bravery past. I hear frogs creek, crickets cherp and the gentle chim of the neighbour's windchims caught in the breeze. The darkness is both comfortable and haunting. I feel this slab of heartache and guilt in my throat. There are things bothering me that I can't put into words. Well, actually, I can. It would just make a bigger mess for everyone involved. I desperaly want to sleep. I need to. It's not the sounds of nature or the shine from the stars that leaves me restless tonight. I close my eyes and I see my past life unfold before me. The older that I've gotten, I find myself more focused on the concept of death, as if that is all that I will ever achieve in my life. I have a mixed relationship with death. I'm comfortable with dying as long as I control it. I believe that most people feel this way, even if they don't want to admit it. Much like the anorexic starves herself out of control and coping, I equate suicidal feelings in the same respect. I've had very little power in my own life brought on my childhood abuses, neglects in important ways and both of my parents marcassistic attitudes towards children. Their behavious is revealing and sometimes brings me to a sadness that leaves me feeling a hollowness inside. I don't want to end up as psychological damaged as they are, but at this point, I think the damage has been done. I think about car crashes constantly. No matter what medication I'm on or mood I'm in, the fear lingers in the back of my mind. Something deep within me tells me thats how I died in my last life. There is just something that chemicals just can't fix. It goes beyond a fear of dying. I've come close before and probably in ways that I never knew about. I think it circles back to the lack of ability to control what is basially a life or death situation. It ties into betrayal, the experiences of disregard and disrespect sprinkled with a lack of comfortablity in funadmental life years. I've suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to protect me and failed, so how am I to really trust anything with the only thing I really can't replace? As much as I am disgusted by this body, this physical form that I often feel trapped in, it's mine and I need it to navigate my desires in this plane. I don't think I'm ready to be recycled again. This time around has tried me in ways that I never thought possible. Sometimes I have memory flashbacks and I sit there blank, struggling to accept times of vicimisation, times of extreme euphoria. I ride the rollarcoaster, looping, speeding around corners, creeping up hill. I feel this deep emotional fatigue settling inside me and I can't help but wonder how's it going to be...in the coming years, situations-everything. Endless streams of possibilities spread out before me, laid out on a buffet of actions and consequence. There are times that I wonder how is the world different because I'm here-that I am this being in this moment in the universe. Falling down the rabbit hole, circling the drain with these kind of circular thoughts. I feel like I'm not making the connections that I want to make, so I wonder why is the world the way it is, what my place is in it, and can I change it? I can't ahake the feeling that my life, my existance is meaningless.